Friday 14 February 2014

61. An Ode to Graduates.

An all too familiar sight. An all too insipid process.


'Hello my name is Oliver Wessely. I am a graduate from the University of York, gaining a 2:1 in English Language and Linguistics. Indeed it is the same course that York Caudwell was on (University Challenge team 2011). Throughout my three years, I worked to the courses deadlines, developing and perfecting the celebrated art of procrastination in the process. In the termly presentation seminars, I showed oratory skills that would have with out doubt trounced Hitler, Churchill and Benjamin Disraeli in any public debate.

Outside the course, I showed my creativity in recycling many costumes for the Club D’s and Derwent rugby socials. I illustrated great attention to detail in always detailing Derwents contributions extensively in my match reports for York Vision. I demonstrated a strong work ethic under the pressure of the Nando’s Saturday back grill shift. I have excellent team skills coming from being a Fly Half who liked to pass the ball to other people to bring the best out of them, unlike that  Bobo Johnson!
At home, I am a driven individual having passed my driving test on the fourth attempt. I can adapt to change having had six different relationships.
While out travelling the world, I showed resilience having done door-to-door sales as a  geekish, white 18year old in Sydneys summertime. I have taken a hands-on approach to work as the Summit Camp audience appreciated in my slightly camp portrayal of Smee in the Peter Pan Staff play. Furthermore, I have often communicated to others, namely in China, where I would try and teach English, shout ‘Bi Zui’ (Shut Up) in Chinese and then enact the body language of a irate teacher when the mass of students didn’t.
So in all, Mr GraduateScheme man, I have shown all the criteria ( and written them in italic) you so dearly look for in the position of Trainee Assistant Administrative for Sales and Recruitment at GraduateSchemes Top 100 Graduatejobs. I am really passionate to obtain this position as it is something I have always wanted to do since I was a wee knipper.
I desperately hope to hear back from you.

Best Wishes,

Oliver Wessely BA Hons 

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Since coming back from my voyage to China, I’ve managed to secure interviews with Graduate Fasttrack (such a high turnover I’ve had a cousin go through there), Life Insurance company's Data Analyst (come on, it required 3 GCSE’s) and the HM Prison Winchester.

Surprisingly, the prison job was the only one I would be interested in doing. To my great sadness, it wasn’t like Shawshank Redemption inside. I don’t think I would have fitted in and I haven’t heard back.



Like the Tardis, different on the inside.


Despite the failures in me trying to make that first big step into the job market, I’ve had many temporary jobs in the past four months. From cleaning, to catering, to pasty shop pot washing, to manual labouring, to recently a job as a mechanic assistant at a joystick factory. Adaptable.
I’ve met some interesting co-workers also, but truth be told these have been people I never wished to meet but also I'm thankful that I have.
I’ve had to try and sympathise with a grown man as he faced a sexual assault charge for jokingly groping someone, decline interest to a guy who was looking to try and ship off some of his home-grown weed, try and interpret a guy whose verbal pronunciation could only be understood by his inbred looking sister (he was probably asking someone to pull up his low trousers). Further to this, I’ve had to apologise for reading a book on shift (ironic), joke along with the Poles builders who were convinced my broken nose was due to my sleeping habits rather than surgery and lastly and probably most painfully try and understand a guy from Wigan who moved to escape the gang that he is convinced will kill him if he ever steps back there.

Looking at Britain from abroad, the social divide it has is, in my opinion Britains best kept secret. From my own experience, I feel awkward talking about my privileged upbringing with anyone unless I have confidence in the listener. It’s the worst problem in Britain today, people will stay in the jobs that would bore any new graduate senseless, putting their security over any hope and aspiration.
Or Channel 4 Benefits Street will come a knocking!

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Anyway, the future looks red, not orange. The red of China. If you don't believe me go and ask Martin Jacques who has written a very good book about China taking over the world. Considering this I am heading back to Shanghai to do an internship where all the experience I’ve had in my life all seemed key to them saying the immortal words ‘Yes’ to my application. Yes I lied earlier. I did get a fourth interview that was done on the telephone so I could still lie in bed.

The company is called CBBC that translates as the China Britain Business Council. So unfortunately I won’t be translating Tinky Winky’s script for the Chinese audience or refilling the green tea of NuNu the Teletubbies badass hoover. If I had got a job at the Chinese CBBC (Childrens British Broadcasting Corporation). I imagined this would have been the case. Instead I'll be editing reports and shizzzz.

So goodbye to everyone here. It has been great catching up with you. Until the next time!


Tinky Winky says Goodbye